me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
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9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.