Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
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*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.