Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
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Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted