Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
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Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
May have had one breakfast too many
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Finally
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it