Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
You Might Also Like
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.