Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
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I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.