me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
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When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Every time my phone rings
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
not to brag, but mine was free
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.