me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
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A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
umm…
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.