Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
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“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents