Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
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Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow