Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
You Might Also Like
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.