ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
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Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
when you order from DoorDastardly
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
We like the way Dwight thinks
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
My god she’s good.