Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
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Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
emergency phone
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.