Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
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I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
I’m listening
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death