Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already

[job interview]

Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:

Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.

[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day

I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads

Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?

Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.

-Management

Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open

Magic words that make my children disappear:

3) Bath time

2) Who did this?!

1) When I was your age…

[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*

Priest: the bride, sir

Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.

14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?

[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby

[restaurant]

Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese

Her: … you definitely don’t have permission

Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan

I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.

She told me newspapers are old school.

She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.

That fly never stood a chance.

Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too

I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.

I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.

Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.

Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*

Neighbor: how was your quarantine?

Me: quarantine?

My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.

I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.

“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”

-wet laundry

The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.

[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend

I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.

I missed you with all my darts

You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand order

I knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”

COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it

*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”

My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.