Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
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Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
I WON A HAM TODAY
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!