Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.

I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.

Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado

Barista: What’s a furtado?

Me: It’s like a bird

Direct deposit: $1400

Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees

[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit

judge: how do you plead

me: *burps* excuse me

judge: you are excused

me: [running away] gottem lol

“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules

It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.

Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”

nobody’s gonna understand

The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”

I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.

Life is hard.

Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain

Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL

I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery

A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture

My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party

She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered

My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.

Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.

In my 20s: jingle all the way

In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty

“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”

-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down

Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.

ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter

GRIM REAPER: well shit

Good morning.

I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.

You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.

I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.

[Opens a beer at the park]

“Dude. There’s kids here.”

Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER

4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”

[boiling pot]

Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off

Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?

Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.