Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.

Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.

Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.

[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me*

*Prius spins out of control*

Thug life.

young jesus: mom where do babies come from

joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?

*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.

I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”

Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.

Signs your wife is cheating:

1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend

i’m laughing very hard in real life

If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.

i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.

I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.

Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.

I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles

I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t

ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”

I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.

Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting

Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.

i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic

Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.

I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.

ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*

FRIEND: Is that… pudding?

LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer

Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice

blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.

me: Fantastick.

They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?

“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”

I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.

“Do you know anything about this teapot?”

“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”

“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”