me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
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Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
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My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?