me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
You Might Also Like
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
meow
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.