Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
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I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it