@seamussaid FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
@heidi420x Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
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@seamussaid 
@Rollinintheseat Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
@ericsshadow One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
@XplodingUnicorn Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
@OtherDanOBrien ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
@KylePlantEmoji “Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
@Angibangie Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
@cwhudson *taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
@david8hughes Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
@squirrel74wkgn My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”