@peteholmes just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
@heidi420x Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
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@peteholmes 
@IDontSpeakWhine My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
@CloydRivers I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
@Jake_Vig I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
This makes total sense…
@KrunkedRobot I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
@BlairLoudly Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
@maxverygoodboy They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
@Reverend_Scott [Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
@CroweJam Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.