Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
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I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Mountain Goat : )
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!