Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
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All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
Good morning.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
😲 WTF? 😆
the icebreaker
Cake!!
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.