Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
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My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit