Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
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ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Bike for sale
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Pretty much. 🤣
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Breakfast for Stoners:
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how