ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
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Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
There are usually two types of merchants.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
There are no pants in heaven.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time