ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
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ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
I hate my earbuds.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
buying dead houseplants to save time