[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
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I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
getting corrected
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*