Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
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My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Encore…
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.