ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Autocorrect is my menesis
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
