Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
You Might Also Like
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?