Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.

It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.

Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.

“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”

What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?

*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*

The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.

She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.

Patrol.

I’m praying for you…

So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…

That’s from me

911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.

Me: I WASNT READY

i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit

To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news

EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon

Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.

my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend

I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work

Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*

YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing

Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?

sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight

after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen

Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?

Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?

I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.

I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.

restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”

Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese

I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down

Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?

Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word

H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope

Teddy Roosevelt used to sucker punch people when they left the White House, spawning the phrase “Don’t let Theodore hit you on the way out.”

I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.

“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator