[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
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I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you鈥檝e exceeded your rate limit
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn鈥檛 list a 50垄 charge for extra ranch dressing and I鈥檓 hella pissed.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
What fresh Hell is this?!?
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
verbiage sounds like something you鈥檙e not getting enough of in your diet
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Mission Impossible…馃槀馃槑馃悞
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You鈥檙e friends with a demon.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I鈥檓 fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I鈥檓 fine. Eat your giant avocado.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren鈥檛 you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 馃槶
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?