me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
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Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.