Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
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Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri