*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
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Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU