ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
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Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.