ME: [watching tv]

FRIEND: You should turn it on tho

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The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.


I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’


‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.


BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.


My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”


I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.


Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.


Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.