ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
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Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
This probably isn’t good
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Mad Max Arctic Road
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.