Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”

telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead

The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.

You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating

Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..

Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?

HS: ..blocking the pickles.

*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP

THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.

[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*

It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles

Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich

I’m fighting for free speech. Mine not yours you need to shut the f*** up

[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.

The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.

This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.

Finally

Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.

“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”

— Polite vampires.

Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.

Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.

Me: You had me at “get drunk.”

Friend: I didn’t say that.

Me: It’s a no from me.

My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.

An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away

THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth

EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*

ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*

They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.

he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?

just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real

The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.

My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”

Moments like these are when I ask for money.

“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”

A toddler made fun of me today, and I got weirdly upset for a guy who can have a cookie literally whenever he wants.

I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.