Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
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i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
😂😂
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.