@Cpin42

Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.

You Might Also Like

@Kolology

Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.

@simoncholland

Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.

@MDthrice

*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.

@robdelaney

My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.

@NotMark___

[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.

@RidiculousSheri

My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.

@joejwest

ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way

@justky1018

Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon

@merican_ninjy

Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”