Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
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If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
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If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
never ask a starfish for directions
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
My patience has stretch marks.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER