Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
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Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers