ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
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Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
A double negative is a big no-no.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
podcasts
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
I found your tweet-up…
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.