Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
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Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”