Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
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I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it