Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
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As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
congratulations to them
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement