Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.

Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.

How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?

PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers

ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam

In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties

pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign

Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win

911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”

Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.

CAT 911: what’s the emergency?

CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall

CAT 911: you mean a window?

CAT: no it’s definitely a bird

I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.

My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.

Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes

ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?

WIFE: Google Earth

ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!

Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?

Me: *sound of footsteps running away*

Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.

Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.

I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants

Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two

Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.

My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE

Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!

Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”

me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine

Jepfpf: no I haven’t

Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me

Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.

The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.

I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.

In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.

I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.

Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.