Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
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You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
.. do you even science?
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*