me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
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You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?