Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
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Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t