Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
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Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.