@AndrewsNotFunny

ME: we need to fight diabetes

INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more

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@ddsmidt

My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*

Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!

@SvnSxty

it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance

@mrjohndarby

accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening

@Social_Mime

I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying

@IamJackBoot

Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.

@hansabumsadaisy

“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”

“Are you drunk?”

“How do you know?”

“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”

#MothersDay

@davejorgenson

Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall