@AndrewsNotFunny

ME: we need to fight diabetes

INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more

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@audipenny

[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care

@Derrick_Snyder

Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!

@Home_Halfway

Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs

@ambamthankyamam

My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.

@DamonHunzeker

Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.

@daemonic3

“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”

@dogfather

“Will he ever wake up?”

He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*

*patient wakes up to turn off the music*

@

*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*

@clichedout

ME: i trained this chicken to talk

HER: let’s see

ME: what’s a male deer

CHICKEN: buck

ME: how much is 200 pennies

CHICKEN: buck buck

HER: this sucks

ME: it gets better

CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen