ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
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Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*