@AndrewsNotFunny
@ddsmidt My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
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@ddsmidt 
@TragicAllyHere @funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
@SvnSxty it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
@mrjohndarby accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
@Social_Mime I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
@seamusmckracken I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
@jackiembouvier Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
@IamJackBoot Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
@hansabumsadaisy “Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
@davejorgenson Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
