@AndrewsNotFunny
@audipenny [god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
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@audipenny 
@Derrick_Snyder Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
@Home_Halfway Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
@ambamthankyamam My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
@DamonHunzeker Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
@Satan_____ If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
@daemonic3 “Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
@dogfather “Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
@clichedout ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen