[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
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Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
My name is
My name is
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen