ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
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Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
The happy life.. 😊
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’