me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
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I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me